Seven months ago I became a full fledged member of the Mommy Sorority, after nine months of pledging. I have several friends who are current pledges (i.e., preggo), and they are the inspiration for what I'm about to do: I'm going to share some of the dirty little secrets about being a Mom that I wish someone would have shared with me; but I was left to discover on my own. I'm not referring to post partum depression or any other general topic. I want to share some specific, unexpected experiences I had after my son was born, with the goal of making another woman feel less alone if/when she experiences similar feelings.
(1.) After my initial recovery, and when I finally began to feel like leaving the house, I often felt overcome with a desire to run away. Yes, it sounds so simple and childish. But there were days when I was alone in my car and thought, "What I wouldn't give to keep driving for a couple of days just to clear my head!" The joy of being a parent is overwhelming, and it is more than worth the overwhelming sense of responsibility. But when you become a Mom (not a parent, but a Mom), your personal freedom takes a back seat. I disagree with those who claim that you no longer have any freedom. Not so. You are still an individual, but finding ways to let that individual out becomes a more taxing activity. And sometimes the prospect of leaving, if only for a few days, is incredibly tempting. I now believe that the women who simply stay are great mothers, even on the days we are absolutely falling apart.
(2.) Despite the above assertion that you will not completely lose your freedom or yourself, you may forget yourself for a while. Another adjustment I had to make was not only re-discovering my interests and the things that I need now more than ever to keep me sane; but also finding a way to work them into my new life. Prioritization has become more important now than it has ever been. The upside is that my time is also much more valuable to me than it has ever been, and life in general becomes less taken for granted.
Example: I went out of town with a couple of girlfriends for a weekend. I had a horrible sinus headache, and I had been sick for most of the week. Didn't matter. I had the time of my life! Yes, it required much more effort than I've ever exerted for "getting away," and we didn't do anything terribly exciting. But it is now one of my favorite memories!
For many weeks after giving birth all I wanted to do with my free time was sleep. Eventually I realized that I needed to work my way back into spending free time pursuing my individual interests. This is still a challenge for me. Oh, how I do adore those precious hours of elusive dreams! But caffeine is a helluva drug and my ticket to hanging onto the pieces of my identity that have taken a backseat since mommyhood became my primary occupation.
(3.) The period of adjustment seems like it will never end, and I can't promise that it does. I am continually surprised by the changes in my life and in my son. They don't necessarily happen every day. Sometimes they are a week at a time. My son will often sleep soundly through the night five days in a row, just long enough for me to believe he will do so forever. Not so! On the sixth night he will inevitably revert back to his old habits. Eventually we cycle back to a week or so of sleeping bliss, which seems to serve merely as a reprieve for the next big change on the horizon.
The adjustment may never end. I haven't been doing this long enough to know, but I will tell you that I am getting better at adjusting. I believe the initial shock of motherhood is most pronounced for those of us who cherish our space and our Franklin Covey planners. (Some people may call us "control freaks," but I prefer to think of myself as prepared.) So I've learned to let some things go, and more importantly, to apply today's energy and focus to things that are important today. When I start to lose that focus, I force myself to remember how utterly boring my life was before baby. I didn't realize it at the time, but now the pleasure of my son's company holds more entertainment value than an evening with Cirque du Soleil.
The bottom line is this: We all experience different things in different ways, and motherhood is no different. But I think it's important to be aware that we are not alone in this adventure. It's truly an amazing thing to be able to be a member of the Mommy Sorority! It's a place we can belong without conforming to someone else's standards.
